


we hit a wall

by gold_rush



Series: the sun, the moon, and the truth [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bones is funny, Canon Temporary Character Death, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jim is sleepy, M/M, Spock is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 15:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7580080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gold_rush/pseuds/gold_rush
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Jim dies, everything changes. So, when their Captain comes back to life, Spock vows to be more open. Bones tries to hold everyone together. And Jim has a history of being annoyingly heroic.</p><p>[I can't have been the only one who thought Spock seemed way more emotionally open in Beyond. This explains that. Pre-Beyond, Post-Into Darkness.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	we hit a wall

**Author's Note:**

> An exploration of friendship that slid into Jim/Bones/Spock territory. I might turn it into a series, if people are into it!

Everything changed after Jim died, it changed for everyone and it changed fast, but when it came to Spock the change was far more perceptible. Bones supposed it was because Spock had witnessed Jim’s death, had seen those bright blue eyes still, had seen the final breath of life rasp out of a man they both loved. And then there was Pike too, Spock had seen that, he’d felt that. And that was a lot of trauma, a lot of darkness for one man, for one half-vulcan, to handle.

After Pike, both Spock and Jim were required to be seen by Doctor Keeler, a standard procedure after witnessing traumatic and/or difficult events. They’d walked into the office one after the other, and both had come away, less than an hour later, with the same note on their files that said, in big letters, ‘CLEARED FOR ACTIVE DUTY’. Like that was going to be enough. Like Bones wasn’t going to have a damn thing to say about it. Hell, Keeler was greener than green, he’d only been on the job for three weeks. Besides, Bones knew them. He’d had them in his own Med Bay often enough, he’d had to damn near strap them down sometimes, just so the pair of idiots didn’t wander off and die of pride related complications or heroic selflessness.

So, as soon as he could, Bones sat them down in his office and told them that they were both full of shit.

‘Bones, I’m fine.’ Jim had sighed, shrugging like that would get him off the hook.

‘The hell you are!’ Bones had countered, a wild kind of irritation twisting his features.

‘I’m okay.’ Jim tried again, glancing over at Spock who was staring off into the middle distance. Bones raised an eyebrow ‘fine’ down to ‘okay’ in a few seconds. That meant it was bad. Real bad.

‘Pike was like a father to you,’ Bones started, softer, ignoring the way Jim opened his mouth to interrupt, ‘Kid, when my daddy died I cried for two weeks straight.’

Jim had nothing to say to that, so he just looked down at his hands.

‘And you,’ Bones said, swinging around to face Spock on his swivel chair, ‘You must have acted like an iceman on Keeler’s couch! His notes say you showed absolutely no signs of distress, no signs of trauma, no unresolved feelings. What a load of horseshit!’

‘Doctor, I simply -’

‘Save it, Spock. For someone who doesn’t know you - literally inside and out.’ Bones pinched the bridge of his nose, ‘I know what happened. I know you were melded to him when he died. So, half-vulcan or not, I’m not accepting that you’re feeling perfectly peachy.’

‘I never said that I was ‘perfectly peachy‘, doctor.’ Spock said evenly, though his eyes were filled with anger. Anger, that was something and it was far better than nothing.

‘Yeah, well, you might as well have! I’m filing a report about Doctor Keeler, he’s clearly incompetent if he can’t see straight through you two morons.’ Bones said defiantly, gesturing behind himself to a stack of papers on his desk.

‘Bones,’ Jim started, eyes like a lost puppy, voice full of reason, ‘He’s just a kid, it’s not his fault. Please.’

‘If he can’t do his job, Jim, it’s dangerous, so I am reporting him,’ Bones said, ‘You can’t send people into space if they’re not in their right minds!’

The change happened in an instant. Jim’s shoulders stiffened, his posture suddenly tight and painful-looking, ‘Please. Don’t take the Enterprise away from me. Bones, _please_? I don’t know what I’d--’ Jim started to stammer his words, his eyes wide and bright with fear, ‘I have nothing else. I have _nothing_ , Bones. I have no one. I’ll do anything. Anything you want. Please, just don’t take her away from me. _P-please_.’ Bones stood and moved quickly towards Jim, crouching down in front of the man who was starting to lose track of his breathing, his hands shuddering as panic threatened to overtake him.

‘Damn it, Jim. Breathe,’ Bones grasped at his friend’s balled hands, ‘Breathe. I’m not taking anything away. I’m not taking anything. Shit, Jim. You think I’d do that? Don’t you remember how you got on the Enterprise in the first place? I smuggled you on as a patient. And there’s not a chance in hell I’m going back into that black, vast, death-trap they call ‘space’ without you. Either of you! Understood?’ Jim bowed his head a little, still struggling to stay on the right side of dread, while Spock gave Bones a sharp nod of his head. That was good enough for Bones. For now.

It took Jim five minutes to un-tense his body, to let out a real breath, and sink back into the chair. At some point, Spock had moved his hand to Jim’s thigh, his face a stoic mask as his thumb stoked rhythmically across of Jim‘s leg.

‘Here’s what’s going to happen,’ Bones started, still crouched in front of Jim, ‘we’re going to talk about how we feel, you understand? And we’re probably gonna do some crying, and maybe a little hugging, and then you’re going to come and see me every single week until I’m convinced you’re both shitting rainbows. All right?’

Jim offered his friend a weak smile and let the silence surround them for a while before he whispered, ‘I miss him so much, Bones.’

The doctor nodded, pulled one of Jim’s hands up, and laid a soft kiss across his knuckles, ‘I know you do, Jim. We’ll make it hurt a little less.’

‘I would like that also, Leonard.’ Spock offered quietly.

Bones looked at their First Officer, at the tiredness of his eyes, and put his other hand on top of the hand Spock already had on Jim’s leg.

‘You’re both gonna be fine.’ Bones smiled. Practically promised. But it wasn’t fine.

Jim had died. Actually died. And he’d had the nerve to be a hero about it and save them all in the process, which somehow only made Bones angrier about it all. Perpetually annoyed that Jim would have the audacity to save his life, only to abandon him. And without even asking him about it first.

Then, by some godforsaken, twisted miracle, that tribble had purred back to life and that was that. Jim was back. But it was hard, almost too hard, because Jim had been dead. He’d been in a body bag - in a human refuse sack - and Bones found that he woke up at all hours of the night with his heart in his throat and that image in Jim’s dead face in his head. Young corpses had always haunted him, there was something so uncanny, so unnatural, about seeing the lifeless young, and Jim was no exception. In fact, Jim was way worse. He loved Jim. Jim wasn’t a curious case from the academy, or an anomaly from Med School. Jim was his. Jim was personal. He was family. And he was gone. But then he was back. Because, damn it, Jim Kirk just didn’t believe in no win scenarios, did he?

Jim bounced back surprisingly well, he was a little sleepy at first, a little groggy for a week or two, but he’d suffered no brain damage, and had come to no lasting harm. Which, obviously, was a miracle in itself. Then, three days after waking up, Bones had caught him sneaking off to the bridge and it was something so Jim that Bones had a hard time maintaining an unimpressed scowl as he pushed him back into bed.

But Spock? Spock was different. Spock was hurting, and he was raw, and somehow he seemed so much softer. He fussed after Jim, but he always had. Now though, he would linger and sometimes - when he felt like he was lingering too much - he’d linger a few feet further away. But, still, he remained in Jim’s orbit. And Bones supposed that was natural, in fact, everyone seemed to be pulled that little bit closer to Jim. But still, he worried about Spock.

Bones talked to him a couple of times, before Jim pulled out of the coma; and he was in bits. Alternatively standing like an exhausted statue in the corner, or pacing across Bones’ office like a prowling predator. Sometimes, his fists were clenched so tight his fingernails left half-moon cuts on his palms, and Bones had to wipe the green away and make promises he hoped to God he could keep.

Then, one day, the day that just happened to be the day before Jim woke up, Bones walked into his office to find Spock already sitting there - back rod straight, eyes staring away at nothing. This was going to be it, Bones knew it as soon as he saw the man, this was going to be the moment that the crescendo of his pain, of his feelings, of his hurt, was going to spill over. Bones locked his door and briefly closed his eyes, an unspoken _‘Thank, God,’_ buzzing through his brain.

Bones opened his mouth to ask him if he wanted a cup of that horrid vulcan tea he was so fond of, but Spock’s voice flitted through the room first.

‘I never told my mother that I loved her,’ he muttered unsteadily, before he closed his eyes tight, ‘how was she to know that I loved her if I could not, if I would not, say the words. If I did not let her hold my hand, if I did not let her hug me, or touch me in kindness. I balked in disgust every time she offered me gentleness like… like she was the one in the wrong. As if _she_ herself was somehow disgusting. And now she is dead and I never told her. I never ever told her.’ Bones moved into the heart of the room and pulled his chair across, so he could sit opposite his distressed friend.

‘Mothers know,’ Bones said quietly, ‘Mothers always know.’

‘But I will never know that she knew. I will never know with certainty.’

‘Spock, trust me, she knew,’ Bones offered, as he placed two tentative fingers on Spock’s knee, ‘Your mom, she was a good woman.’

‘You never met her, Doctor.’ Spock whispered, his face contorted, ‘I fail to see how you can accurately conclude anything about her.’

‘But I know you. You’re forgetting that I know you. I know the man she raised. And you’re a good man, Spock. I’m sure she was very, very proud of you.’ Spock’s brow creased as a tear slipped down his cheek - recalling her words to him before he faced the vulcan council. His heart started to ache at the memory, a painful warmth flooding his body before he reached out and grasped Bones’ hand in his.

‘I have not told anyone… that I love them,’ Spock spoke quietly, his voice as damp as his cheeks, as wet as his eyes, ‘I have not told Jim, and I have not told you.’

‘Don’t get all mushy on me, Spock,’ Bones said as he squeezed Spock’s hand, pausing before he said, ‘I love you too, you idiot.’

Instead of making Spock’s face brighter, as Bones had hoped it would, his reassurance of love somehow made his friend’s face twist up in pain and Spock brought a hand up to hide his face.

‘No, you don’t,’ Bones said softly, tugging Spock’s hand down and then wiping a thumb across his wet cheeks, ‘Don’t start hiding now. You’re okay. It’s okay. Jim’s gonna be fine. And one day, this will be like a bad dream.’ Bones was half-expecting some quip about vulcans and emotions and dreams but it never came, instead, Spock took a deep breath and said, eyes full of conviction, ‘Doctor, from now on, I will try to be the man that both you and Jim deserve me to be.’

Bones frowned at that, ‘Spock. I know I give you a hard time sometimes, I’m a cantankerous old man, but you’re fine exactly how you are, you hear me?’

Spock closed his eyes again, Bones gave his hand what he hoped as a reassuring tug, ‘Hey, I’m being serious. You’re damned perfect just as you are. Me and Jim, we wouldn’t want it any other way.’

‘Thank you.. Leonard. But I would like..’ Spock trailed off, his face looked look the face of a man whose brain was racing.

‘What would you like?’ Bones asked, hoping to draw a few more words out of him. And, by some miracle, it worked.

‘I would like to speak more freely about… about…’

‘About how you feel?’ Spock nodded and squeezed Leonard’s hand. Thank you, the squeeze said, for finding the words I could not find myself.

‘I also find that… holding your hand is… not entirely unpleasant.’ Bones let out a laugh and that drew a smile out of Spock.

‘Thanks,’ Bones said with a grin, ‘Yeah. I guess it’s not too awful, huh?’

 

  
When Jim woke up for the first time, Bones had been alone with him. The doctor sat by his biobed and filled him in as he ran his tests - on what had happened, on how he was back, on what it might mean, on the test he’d have to have regularly, on what had been happening with the crew, on what had been happening with Spock, and on how the half-vulcan liked to hold his hand. Jim didn’t speak, his throat was too dry from inactivity, but he smiled as Bones talked and handed him a glass of water. Then, within thirty minutes, he was back asleep.

The next time he woke, Spock was there too - Jim reached out a hand towards his First Officer, and Spock took it easily.

‘Hey, Spock.’ Jim whispered with a sleepy smile.

‘Hello, Jim.’ Spock said gently, his heart pounding with happiness.

‘I hope you didn’t have too much fun without me.’ Jim continued, glancing over at Bones.

‘There is no fun without you,’ Spock replied instinctively, his body tensing as his own words struck him. His brain still adjusting to his new honesty policy.

‘Yeah?’ Jim said, pulling on Spock’s fingers, ‘Well I’m not planning on leaving you again. I mean, it hardly seems fair that Bones never has to sacrifice himself to save us all.’ Bones snorted, tapping away at his PADD.

‘I sacrifice plenty for you idiots! I swear, I have wrinkles with your names written all over them. I used to be beautiful. Now look at me! Face like a baboon’s scrotum!’ Bones moaned, a playful smile sparkling in his eyes.

‘You are still very beautiful, Leonard.’ Spock said almost urgently and Bones’ head snapped up.

‘Oh, yeah?’ Bones had challenged, one eyebrow arched, ‘See something you like, hobgoblin?’

‘Holy shit.’ Jim whispered, mainly to himself.

‘I find you to be very pleasing to look at, although, it would be preferable if you remained silent.’

‘Are you.. are you _sassing_ me, Spock?’ Bones grinned.

‘I’m pretty sure he’s hitting on you.’ Jim muttered meaningfully.

‘For real?’ Bones asked, his heart suddenly heavy in his chest, ‘Spock?’

‘Yes, Doctor.’ Spock said evenly, ‘The Captain is correct in his assessment.’

‘I always thought… I always thought you liked Jim?’ Bones looked over at the man in the biobed who rolled his eyes.

‘The Captain is also very pleasing,’ Spock nodded, the tips of his ears turning green, ‘Sometimes, when we are all three of us together, I find myself feeling-’

‘Horny?’ Jim and Bones said at the same time.

‘-at peace.’ Spock finished, tilting his head to study his friends.

‘Jim, is it not true that you also have a fondness for the doctor?’ Spock said quickly, trying to deflect the attention away from himself.

‘Well, I--,’ feeling suddenly on the spot, Jim faltered, ‘Yeah. I think Bones is..’

‘Jimmy?’ Bones said quietly, feeling overwhelmed, ‘Gonna leave a guy hanging?’

‘I… I love you Bones, like I love Spock. You’re both my best friends and I was always… I guess I was just too scared to tell you that I _love you_ love you. In case you thought I was weird and I couldn’t take it back.’

‘Well, you’re right about that, you are weird,’ Bones smiled, ‘Weirdly dense. You must have seen the way I look at you sometimes when I have too much to drink and my guard comes down? I mean, sometimes _I’ve_ caught myself staring at you.’

Silence washed over the room for a moment and all three men pondered what had just happened, trying to understand the difference. All of which had taken place because of Spock and his new-found desire to be more emotionally honest. Everything had changed.

‘So, are we…?’ Jim trailed off.

‘Boyfriends?’ Bones asked, both him and Jim looking over to Spock.

‘I believe we are.’ Spock said with a hint of amusement.

‘I’ve never had a boyfriend before,’ Bones offered with a smile, as he walked over to sit on the edge of Jim’s biobed and put his hand on top of the hand Spock already had on top of Jim’s.

‘I’ve never had two boyfriends before.’ Jim said with a sleepy smile.

‘Oh, really? You do surprise me,’ Bones quipped with a gentle chuckle.

‘When I’m back on my feet, I can show you things that’ll really surprise you.’

‘I, for one, am looking forward to your clean bill of health.’ Spock said almost jovially, looking over at Jim.

‘So am I.’ Bones said, looking between the two men, still stunned, ‘You just made me quite a promise there, kiddo.’

‘Indeed he did, doctor,’ Spock said lowly, making Bones squirm a little.

‘Holy shit, guys. Go easy on me,’ Jim laughed, ‘I’ve just come back from the dead.’

Bones huffed, ‘Oh, please. You were barely dead. Dead Lite at best.’

Spock smiled at that and said, a little quieter, ‘In this moment, with both of you here, I find myself flooded with a feeling of utter tranquility.’

‘That’s beautiful, Spock,‘ Bones added with a grin, ‘But, if we're being honest here, I feel _real_ horny,’

‘Indeed, Leonard?’ Spock countered, ‘If you require any assistance, please just-’

‘Hey!’ Jim interrupted, eyes wide in awe, ‘No touching each other while I’m stuck in here.’

‘Honestly,’ Bones said, looking over at Spock, ‘He probably wouldn’t even have to touch me.’

‘ _Holy shit_.’ Jim whispered slowly, in one long breath, ‘When did you say I can get out of here again?’

 


End file.
